It’s funny the things that can trigger fears that you think you’ve handed over to God. I’ll admit, since my appointment with orthopedic oncology on Thursday, I feel like a little grey raincloud is hanging over my head. I think when Dr. Bowen told me we needed to get another CAT Scan in before the end of the summer, it reminded me of the chance that all the mishandling of my cancer may have sent some rogue cells to other parts of my body.
I used that word I don’t believe in — chance. I truly believe that God is sovereign in two ways: 1. He chooses to actively cause something to happen 2. He chooses a more passive role and allows things to happen. Whichever role He chooses, He is one hundred percent good, holds all the wisdom of the ages and universe, and His love for each of His children is incomprehensible.
There is no doubt in my mind that God’s sovereignty reaches to the tiniest of details. Jesus tells us that in Matthew 10:29 “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. 30 But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” God understands my DNA, my autoimmune issues, how different illnesses I’ve had throughout my life and the food I’ve ingested have changed my body over the years way more than the greatest medical professions on this earth could. I understand that the Creator of the Universe who brought nothingness into complex matter with His Words, could certainly send some of my cytotoxic T lymphocytes, the cells that recognize and destroy cancer cells, on a mission to track down rogue synovial sarcoma cells. IF that is His will — and I hope it is.
In the midst of this little grey cloud — and it’s not a storm cloud because I’m still enjoying being with people, excited about projects, and choosing to move forward — I’ve had a song in my head that I haven’t heard in a while, so I decided to figure out why it’s there. Here it is: https://youtu.be/TozmjoV6VIY?si=_nUyVhcVKL_nYnLb
You Lift Me Up
When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence
Until You come and sit awhile with me.You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be
Such a simple song, right? One verse and a chorus that’s repeated again and again. And most of us heard it so many times when Josh Groban made it a hit two decades ago, that we don’t listen to it anymore. But I started pondering the lyrics today.
“When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary, when troubles come and my heart burdened be” — Those two lines remind me so much of the Psalmist, King David. So many times he was down in the pit of despair–surrounded by enemies, trapped by his own sin, seeing the wreck his children were making of their lives. In Psalm 88, he cries out to God with “For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol. I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am a man who has no strength, like one set loose among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave… That whole chapter exemplifies a weary, troubled, burdened soul.
“Then, I am still and wait here in the silence until you come and sit awhile with me.” The first thing that pops into my head with this portion of the song is my Grampy’s favorite song, “In the Garden.” Here is a gorgeous rendition by The Church Sisters: https://youtu.be/qIkU8fWqzxw?si=q8WNaBAtYX4zbyCj The key is that the lyricist comes to the garden ALONE. While the dew is still on the roses — early in the morning — early in the trial. I also think of a verse that I have on a wooden sign here in the living room — “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10 Sometimes, I imagine God whispering, “Be still. Remember that I am God” in a comforting, calming way. Other times, I can imagine God shouting. “Be still. Why can’t you just remember that I’m God! Why don’t you just relax and trust me already!”
The next two lines bring a bunch of images to mind. Moses standing on a mountain watching a battle while his loved one hold up his arms when he is too tired to hold them up himself. Satan bringing Jesus on top of a high mountain range, after he’s exhausted and starving from forty days of fasting praying — and angels administering to his needs after Jesus has rejected Satan’s temptation. Peter walking across a stormy waves to meet Jesus — and as soon as he looks away from Jesus and lets fear creep in, he begins to sink.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
God gave life-changing messages on mountains all throughout scripture, from His promise to Noah to never again flood the entire world from Mount Ararat, to burning up the alter to Baal on Mount Carmel, to Jesus’ spirit being crushed for our sake on the Mount of Olives — and so many more. There is so much rich symbolism of mountains. But just thinking literally, because I’ve had the blessing of going on many mountain hikes: There’s the hard, exhausting climb. The relief when you get to the top. And then once you’ve caught your breath, the beautiful views of the valleys below.
The last two lines are also so meaningful to me as I strive to get out from under this little grey cloud:
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be
Think about why you’d need to be carried on someone’s shoulders. Because you are a child too young to walk a long distance. Because you are wounded, ill, or elderly. Yet as the song implies, it is when we are at our weakest that we can become our strongest in the Lord. Like the Lord said to Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” I love this explanation from Got Questions: https://www.gotquestions.org/strength-made-perfect-in-weakness.html
There’s so much more I could unpack from scripture using the lyrics from this song. The more I’ve been looking up scriptures that relate to the imagery, the less I’ve felt that sad fog in my head. It seems to have been wisped away.
Thank You, Heavenly Father, for putting a song in my head and then prompting me to take a deeper look at it’s meaning, at a time when I needed to shake off my fear and put my future back into Your hands. I trust that You know what’s best for me and my loved ones for the future. Thank You for constantly renewing my faith that You will be with me and give me strength wherever this journey takes me. Amen.
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